01 3 / 2012

29 2 / 2012

This is Chapter 2 of ‘Petrol Fumes and Camera Flashes’, a Martin Kelly Story.

Anyway, If you want to read the Prologue/Chapter 1 they can be found here

Feel free to leave comments or questions here, id love to know what you guys think.

Anyway Enjoy.

This Chapter is called “Its always best to take it from behind”. (Kinky)

I can assure you Ernest Hemingway was wrong when he said modern American literature began with Huckleberry Finn. It begins with Moby-Dick.”

Despite how interesting this lecture was, (IT WASNT), it wasn’t difficult to lose focus and let myself slip away into the comfort of my own thoughts. What made it even more hard to focus was the burning sensation I could feel on the side of my face. Somebody was staring at me; of that I was certain.Turning just a little, I noticed a set of eyes lingering on my face.

“But if you consider the idea that Moby Dick was a peadophile..”

OKAY, wait… WHAT?


Did he seriously just say that Mo-


Okay, what the actual….What in gods name is that noise?

Struggling with whether to regain intrigue into the lecture - that had suddenly just got a little interesting - or locate where the incoming eruption of spit was originating from, I opted for the latter, turning my body completely around, only to be faced with a gawping face; a wide smile plastered from one side of his cheeks to the other. I’m guessing he’d had Tuna for his lunch because that was also plastered across his face…. and his ears.

How in God’s name did he get Tuna in his ears?

Leaning ever so slightly forward i began to inspect my new acquaintances’ intriguing food storage.

HOLY SHIT, he had actual Tuna Flakes in his ears.

Seeing a hand raise ever so suddenly, startled, I broke my gaze.


Yellow finger nails were now passing my line of sight, stopping only to delve into the ears that I had only just momentarily been analyzing. No sooner where the nails in the ear cavities, they were back out heading straight for the now gaping hole that had emerged at the bottom of, what can only be described as, a face only a mother could love.

Please tell me he wasnt going to do what I think he was….

His hands carried on their journey to the centre of the earth.

If I moved quickly, I could probably take him down before his fingers reached his mouth. Stealth, was my middle name. Well, technically it was Margaret…

“He was a savage. A real randy scholar”

Distracted by my tutors overemphasis on the word ‘randy’ I turned away from Bruce. (He had received a nickname Yes, id had the pleasure of seeing him at his most passionate endeavor, it was only fair I put a name to that face.


Is this guy serious?



“Do you want to see my socks?”

Did he just offer to show me his socks?

“…They’ve got geese on them”

To be honest I was quite tickled so I decided to humor him.

“Only if im not interrupting your lunch mate”, I stated directly into his face.

Clearly confused, I took advantage of his blank expression and decided to make a swift exit from the lecture theatre that was now emptying at a quickened pace.

Id missed the pub with the guys for this? A perverted encounter with ‘Tuna Guy’ who’d promised me a date with his socks? Daisy was going to LOVE this one.

A sea of red, that was all that was in sight. Despite the bitterness of the evening, nobody around appeared to be effected in the slightest. Conversations were in full flow, voices in full song. This sight, this plethora of color, never seized to take my breath away.

“Yeah but Dom, look at his arse”

And there was Daisy to ruin it.

By the time id made my way through the paddock faithful and into my seat next to Daisy, the conversation had taken a turn for the worse.

“He doesnt need to have a reputable left foot, just look at those buns of steel” - her hands stretched out in front of her face as she began to gesture a somewhat disturbing squeezing motion.

This girl had no shame.

“You’re so shallow Daisy”, I remarked mockingly. “How long have we been coming to the game, and still that is the most significant thing that comes out of your mouth.”

“Well now that you mention mouths…”

“DAISY, Jesus, take a cold shower”, I snapped.

“And miss Hendo squat thrusting in my face… i dont think so”

By the end of her sentence, Daisy appeared to be taking her last comment a little too literally, and had now emerged herself in her own little world. A little world of squat thrusting Jordan Henderson’s I imagine.

The match had begun and Daisy had reemerged from her dirty little mindset and appeared to be taking full advantage of the players currently warming up in front of us. If i’d known just how mortifying Daisy planned on being at games, I would have enquired to the club about seats further away from the players dug-out. One of these days, that girl was going to get us kicked out, a restraining order being the least of our problems.

Twenty minutes in and the game had become a little lackluster. It was only a cup tie against Oldham and we were 3-1 up, but the game had somewhat lost momentum since Oldham had got their consolation and my concentration began to falter.

The view of the Kop really was incredible. People weren’t exaggerating when they said it was an inspirational and overwhelming scene to look at, never mind be amongst. Seeing the 10,000 or so fans bouncing to their own voices, despite the lack of activity that was occurring on the pitch, really was commendable. We were such passionate supporters. Bias or not, there were no fans like us.

Lost in my own thoughts, my glance fell to the dugout, where a very animated Kenny Dalglish had collared Martin Kelly to give him ‘what for’ whilst one of the Oldham players was feigning injury on the field.

“I dont care how irrelevant his body is to football, he makes me hungry. His arse is just so… peach like”

Was she still at it?

“Dont you reckon Stell?”

From what I could tell, and I hold my hands up, my lip reading skills weren’t great, Dalglish was telling Kelly to ” Man up and perform”.. a little harsh in my opinion. The guy was effortlessly talented. A right back candidate over Glen Johnson any day, in my opinion anyway. He clearly blow dried his fringe though, it just had this elegant bounce about it that could in no way have been natural.

“Stell…. dont you think?… isnt his arse just peachy and munchable?”

I wonder if he’d ever used rollers? That might explain it. They’d have to be the skinny ones from Boots, because his hair looked quite silky and fine but…


Before she had a chance to repeat herself, i found myself standing up, shrieking:


Yep, that ought to do it Blake, way to get two hundred peoples attention.

Much to the hysterical amusement of Daisy and the lads, Dalglish and Kelly had turned around during my somewhat un lady like word vomit and appeared to be highly amused by my inappropriate outburst, smirking complacently before sending what I perceived to be a condescending wink in my direction.

Ground, swallow me whole.

After my minor indiscretion, i spent the remainder of the match focused on the game at hand; which we won 5-1; consisting of a stunning volley by Andy Carroll to top off a glorious win for the red men may I add.


“Am i forgwivvvvin yet stwelllly?” muttered a persevering Daisy.

“Speaking like a retarded infant is not going to make me any more likely to forgive you for humiliating me in front of Anfield”, I retorted quickly, pulling my head away to face out the adjacent passenger car window.

A sharp pain erupted in my right hip as I determined the cause of the disturbance to be a very persistent and giddy Daisy.

“Jesus DAIZ, hands on the wheel”

The jabbing didnt cease - Daisy only taking short breaks to maneuver her hands further into my hips whilst still taking control of the car.

“Not until you forgive me “, she proceeded. ” Ill buy you some starburst at the petrol station?”

I couldn’t not laugh at the girl’s persistence.

Refusing to dent my ego verbally, I simply nodded, turning my head back to the window, waiting for the car to come to a halt as we approached the Texaco.

“You go in and choose your starburst babe, ill feed the beast”.

Even when she wasnt being intentionally dirty, it still came out inappropriate.

“Yeah but mate, id much rather take it from behind . Just in case I damage my face if I fall. OOOOHH, can you buy me a creme egg?”

Okay, now that was inappropriate.

Amused at the conversation id just been privy to, I absconded down the sweets isle in search for my starburst, only to be met by an immaculately dressed lad grinning eerily at the creme eggs and moisturizer that were in his hands.

I honestly tried to hold in my giggle, which only turned my laugh into an uncomfortable snort. It was only when i attempted to recover from my attractive snort and walk away, that my attention was drawn to his face… and more importantly his hair.

“This isn’t what it looks like… or sounded like ” said the suit that was doing all the talking.


“Oh hold on a minute.” He scanned me for a few seconds, lingering rather inappropriately over my bottom half before continuing rather enthusiatically; ” Weren’t you just at the game?”


” You were! You were the girl who informed the entire pitch how much she wanted to feast on Hendo’s arse and… ‘sweaty scent’ if I’m not mistaken”, a grin clearly emerging across his immaculate jaw line.


27 2 / 2012